“In my dream I am running downhill I trip and fall face first i nto a large pond in front of a forest opening. As I sink underwater I begin to dissolve there is nothing I can do I cease to be. Then I start praying to Jesus and in the woods I see the cross and he pulls me out into the woods and I follow him through a narrow path between trees. Then I wake up.”
In a moment my life was expunged from all the filth and in smaller twists of force it still is. I moved from being an angry man who lost sight of his savior climbed countless mountains, and have experienced unreasonable things. And just like that a lonely place of dying surrounds me led by a pretty face, and endless mercy. She came to me when I was the most isolated as Satan often does and she enticed me to enter into the bubble that she wanted me in. Everything was as I wanted as I asked but there was no future every breathe was numbered she was like that feeling of bitter cold and the feeling of going back to school after holiday. Countless times she professed a dead faith and played her part she even blended in with the crowd. I felt helpless as my attempts to escape were guarded by empty death threats, and metaphoric bomb scares. So I believed this was all I had and no one was coming for me and I was quickly dying. She brought out the worst in me and I became this proud version of myself I knew I had been underneath. I openly flaunted our pride, sex, and vacations including to God while I wanted this endless holiday to continue when it was in full swing I knew it was wrong, and I knew I was living a futile and deeply empty run against and from God. I believed the lie that I was useless and no one was coming. Finally it ended. I left.
The sobering truth hit me and I got up and left. I spent months praying searching for God begging for his wrath to hit me as I felt disqualified as someone who would lead, teach, or just be alive. I knew how wrong I was and that he was there the entire time throughout the lies, secrets, and sin. I wanted nothing more than to just retreat call it a life and become like Luke Skywalker and find that abandoned place to live out. But he had other plans and instead I married the woman I should have pursued, and I have come to the end of being momentless. There is no more time travelling there is no past. There is only the road ahead before me.